It’s been an unintentional minute. A lot of growth, a lot of loss, a lot of learning, and a lot of thinking have transpired. In the last 4 months, I’ve grown 30 years at least. This is neither good nor bad. It just is. But with all of this growth has come a hurricane of fatigue. Your girl was emotionally exhausted! While this may be true, writing has been the one thing I’ve missed the most, and I realized it was high time to get back into it.
I will be getting back to my “Taryn Was Here” series and a ton of other ideas I’d like to share. I’m grateful to have taken some time to breathe. In that hiatus, I realized that writing is essential to my world. It allows me to carve out the musings in my head, projecting forward in this crazy world where we do life. So, stick around; I promise I’ll make it entertaining 😉
Pardon my abrupt 4-ish month hiatus. Turns out, I needed a leave of absence to get my bearings. Admittedly, as I was beginning my 3-month “vacation” it was clear that I had some internal work to do. Thankfully after a few (tons) conversations with God, I made peace with a lot of things, learned to rely on His wisdom and not my own, which set me free in so many aspects of my life. It’s been a pruning period, to say the least. I will say that I am much better for it and am thankful for all of the experiences that have led me to this point thus far. So here are a few things that I’ve been up to in my absence.
In January, I was mentally/emotionally in a chaotic state, not dealing with my “things” very well. Fortunately, I could tell something was amiss, and though I was committed to doing the “work”, I needed some help. Faith really played a part in my healing process. I began to ask the questions, “how did I get here?” and “in what ways did I contribute to this mess?”. Funny thing is, if you do ask God these questions, you’ll get an answer, though it may not be what you want to hear. In short, in asking the tough questions, I realized that I needed to take responsibility for the relationships I engaged in and how I spent my time. The truth is, I had a habit of hanging out with insanely damaged people. When I realized that the baggage I was carrying was 98% not my own, it radically changed my view and perception about myself and the world I created.
Killing My Ego
As much as I hate to admit it, I have a Texas-sized ego. I’m smart and not only do I know it, I have no problem demonstrating it. It’s an issue I’m constantly managing, ha! I LOVE problem-solving. My spatial reasoning skills are quite amazing. There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy ego, but when you begin to believe that you are indeed Superman, therein lies the issue. Maybe I hung out with the wrong people because I believed I could fix them. Maybe I hung out with broken folks because it made me feel superior in some messed up way (also I hate admitting that, but it’s true). The problem is, birds of a feather flock together, so I would either change the people I was with or eventually become just like them.
Obviously, the latter happened. Of course, if you keep mentally trying to divide by zero, your brain will begin to shut down or explode. On a subconscious level, I knew something was awry, but I suppose at the time, it was easier to numb myself than to make changes. One of the worst things that I had to own was that I easily accepted the nonsense and beliefs of others without questioning or checking in with my own perspective. Friends, that is such a vile way to live! If there is one thing I hope that people could embrace, it’s to not allow other people’s perceptions of you rule your worldview. Once I began to question what people were saying and look at what they were actually doing, I began to realize the truth: a lot of people are hypocrites and blindly live according to societal standards or damaged value systems. Upon realizing this, it freed me to pursue the life that I want for myself, devoid of acknowledging the opinions of others.
Freedom in Being Yourself
After getting off of the “people-pleasing” rat race, the fundamental elements of Taryn came back, which I’m so thankful for! I now understand what I think, how I view myself, and what works for me to sustain a happy and meaningful life. Currently, I’m in Brian Head, UT with Abbey, enjoying the peaceful solitude of mountain life. There’s like 5 people up here, which is awesome! I do, on occasion, venture into the nearby town of Cedar City to people watch and do grocery shopping. To be honest, I can only last down there for about 3-4 hours before I become increasingly annoyed with the townsfolk.
I don’t know what it is, but one thing I’ve observed in my newfound “awareness” is that a lot of people are asleep at the wheel, merely going through the motions, and not fully aware of what it is that they’re doing. Seriously, I’ll have conversations with people and I will gently posit questions and 100% of the time, there’s a lightbulb going off in their minds. I don’t say this to come off as superior or judgmental. And maybe I’m able to see it because I too was once in this state. This observation honestly makes me want to go out and hug people, and tell them that it’s going to be OK. To me, seeing folks in this light signifies that there is something profoundly wrong with society.
Back to Creating
Anyway, this post wasn’t meant to be so existential, but then again, this is literally how my brain works. So, I will own it. I do want to share that I did end up making the podcast! The first episode airs in like 15 minutes, which you can find here! Is it perfect? No! But, I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, even though my audio-engineering skills leave a lot to be desired. Feel free to take a listen and share your thoughts! The whole podcast is meant to be humorous and I do not take myself seriously, so I hope you can get a laugh or two at the mis/adventures I will share on it. With that, I’m going to go outside and watch Abbey play in the snow. Until next time!
Right now, I’m currently in a Starbucks in Eugene OR feeling excited, terrified, and cautiously optimistic. Today marks THE first day of a three-month hiatus from “everything but Taryn”. I will be solely focusing on my creative endeavors, growing as a human, and just enjoying some time doing new stuff with my crazy mutt, Abbey.
I’ll admit, I am terrified because I am literally without excuse in terms of producing and being consistent. Accountability and I have been in a complicated relationship for some time now. I suppose I need to rekindle it. That and the idea of not pitching/working is horrifying too. As a self-employed person, I’m never not working, pitching, prospecting, etc. It’s a constant hustle. I’m grateful that I can afford to take this sabbatical, but my “hustle or die” radar is out of control.
Bottom line, I know this fear/hesitancy is exactly why I must do this. At the end of the day, I can always find work. I can always re-enter the rat race. So I will calm my nerves (by drinking a triple shot espresso, counterproductive, I know) and will enter my hyperbolic time chamber to hone my artistic endeavors. Hopefully, I’ll come back out in Vegeta form.
I will be finally writing about the places I’ve visited in the last three months. Also, my first podcast is slated to air this coming Monday! I’ll be sure to leave a link here. If I can leave a piece of advice to my fellow creatives out there, lean into your fears. It’s by far the best thing I’ve done for myself. Happy Thursday!
I always try to have a positive/funny vibe when I write, but today I’m going to keep it real and try a little rage/humor.
Guys, I’m a rage monster today.
I’m a cranky, annoyed, frustrated, grumpy Taryn right now. I’m seeing red and wanting to do something about it. I’m kick-a-bunny angry. Trip-a-kid angry. Punch-an-old-person angry. Yeah, I’m a hot mess. The funny part? On the outside, I look like:
But on the inside, I’m like this:
WARNING: Actual sighting of Taryn. Beware
Here’s a quick rundown for my anger (in no particular order):
Bank of America and their shady savings account fees
Clients that aren’t on the same page internally and are giving contradictory feedback, wasting my time
Having to walk on eggshells because a person whom I’m stuck spending the next few days with changes her mood every nanosecond (technically this is my fault. I booked a hotel and then canceled. Idiot)
Las Vegas drivers
Feeling creatively stagnant (not for long!!!)
The Upside to Anger
There is a beauty to my rage-ness. Anger tells me that I’m feeling! As someone who typically struggles with identifying how I feel, this is a positive. I’m also able to identify whyI’m angry. Anger also confirms why I left Vegas in the first place and why I have to keep going, in spite of being uncomfortable with entering unchartered territory. Anyway, I’m less angry now. I’d say I’m more in the range of ambivalent/annoyed with a side of hopeful. Who knew that writing was more beneficial than alcohol?!
Well, hopefully, you enjoyed my little rant. I will be posting about my travels in the next few days. In the last 3 months, Abbey and I have been to 9 states! It’s been a blast, but I will be taking a quick break in Oregon for a few months. Traveling is a blast, but honestly, I need a quick chill pill to keep on keeping on with my journey. Until next time!
So I’ve been slacking. This is in part due to work, preparing to head out for the last wedding, and having to cope without Abbey (Only for a few days due to the wedding). So I’m going to do a little housekeeping:
I turned 29 last Wednesday. Celebrating my birthday isn’t something I put much effort and energy into. This year was a little bittersweet because I normally spend the day with my rents, but they’re on different continents living their best life at the moment. They’re the ones who spearhead the shenanigans, otherwise, I probably wouldn’t bother, ha! I’m not a huge birthday person and haven’t been since I was 11. But since I didn’t want to be a complete abstainer, I did get a small cake and a mimosa for good measure. See mom, I did something! I did have fun though. Abbey and I went on a trail, hung out by the water, and just relaxed (and worked a bunch).
Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
My nightly routine usually involves chilling in the jacuzzi and listening to some tunes. The townhouse that I’m renting has the perfect blend of “cabin-feels” without the cabin maintenance– I love it!
Anyway, I was outside and I had happened to take out my contacts because they were irritating me. As I was adjusting the temperature of the jacuzzi, I looked up and like eight feet in front of the gate, I saw a dark blob on the grass next to the fruit tree that generally isn’t there. I thought to myself, “huh, that blob isn’t usually there,”. I squinted to get a better look and the blob moved! It grabbed a piece of fruit, and that’s when I realized, it was a FREAKING BEAR!!!!
You’d think that would run back inside and wait for it to pass on by but noooo… like the village idiot that dies in dinosaur/crazy animal films, I went inside to grab my camera and take photos of it. Fortunately, when I came back outside, it was further away, so my idiot self felt even more confident. As I was snapping away (with my flash on, like a genius), I guess the flash annoyed it as it made a fake charge motion towards me. Needless to say, I was pretty scared, but I was literally a step away from my door, so I squealed and ran back inside.
There’s nothing like a little bear lunge to get the adrenaline running. As I said, it wasn’t super close, but close enough for me to rethink my bravery level. So, my takeaway is, if I can snap photos of a hungry bear, I can handle anything. That, and I’m likely the first person to die during an “animal on the loose” type of situation. 😉
I told my brother and my parents and they all said “So that’s why Big Bear is named that”, ha! Leave it to my family to be more excited to see the bear than disturbed by the fact that I was dumb enough to stick around for a photo shoot. Perhaps that’s why they’re my family, haha! Enjoy some shoddy quality bear photos!
I promise you that it’s not intentional. There are days where my fingers effortlessly gloss over my keys, writing carefully thought out prose for you to happily ingest (those are my narcissist days). On the flip side, I have my days where my ego is shot, I’m moody, and hopelessly confused on what it is that I want to share with the world (I attribute this to shitty eating, lack of sleep, and misspending of funds).
I have a tendency of being hot or cold emotionally. I’m either all or nothing– which makes for inconsistent everything. Of course there’s no magic pill that will magically make me super organized (unless you know of one, then please share the love!). I will say that I am making the conscientious effort to change my ways. “Evolve or die” is my new motto for both life and work. While I make no promises on how quickly I conform to this new found perspective, rest assured that I will do my best to keep you entertained with my latest shenanigans. But, just in case you get your hopes up, see the photo below. 😉
So I just found out that I don’t sh*t rainbows. This is news to me.
As a “hyper-rational” (a.k.a an arrogant s.o.b.) I’ve always fashioned myself as a great communicator and logical conflict-resolution”er”. Seriously on a scale of 1-mature, I’m off the meter (right mom?). Welp even I have fallen from grace.
I suppose I should admit that “when the going gets tough, Taryn gets gone… quick.” Like Speedy Gonzalez, I run from conflicts and disagreements faster than one can say “onomatopoeia”. I always thought that since I had the least arguments, that meant I was better at having them.
Up until I was 22, when I was having a disagreement with someone, I’d hide under the curt-tails of my parents. Looking back, I have to admit that it was childish, but hey, I didn’t develop the necessary coping skills until recently.
Bottom line: It’s hard to communicate and navigate the interpersonal relationships of your life– especially for the newer ones. For instance, I could have an argument with my best friend, and because we’ve known each other for so long, things get resolved fairly quickly. However if it’s with a newer person, the foundation isn’t there and I’m quick to jump ship.
I recognize that it’s immature– which is why I’m taking aim to fix it, but dang is it hard work! While today was a tough mental day for me in terms of communication and arguing in a productive manner, I have made progress and I am proud! So here I am, getting off of my high-horse. I’m not used to the view down here, but I have a feeling I’ll get used to it. 🙂
It’s no secret that I love Starbucks (particularly their caramel macchiatos), just take a look at my blog name, ha! I get a lot of work done there as well, so if you want to rationalize my addiction, it technically pays for itself. Starbucks– however– is not the reason for this post. I have darker, more predatory addiction that I’ve relapsed from. Continue reading “The Relapse”→