I always try to have a positive/funny vibe when I write, but today I’m going to keep it real and try a little rage/humor.
Guys, I’m a rage monster today.
I’m a cranky, annoyed, frustrated, grumpy Taryn right now. I’m seeing red and wanting to do something about it. I’m kick-a-bunny angry. Trip-a-kid angry. Punch-an-old-person angry. Yeah, I’m a hot mess. The funny part? On the outside, I look like:
But on the inside, I’m like this:
WARNING: Actual sighting of Taryn. Beware
Here’s a quick rundown for my anger (in no particular order):
Bank of America and their shady savings account fees
Clients that aren’t on the same page internally and are giving contradictory feedback, wasting my time
Having to walk on eggshells because a person whom I’m stuck spending the next few days with changes her mood every nanosecond (technically this is my fault. I booked a hotel and then canceled. Idiot)
Las Vegas drivers
Feeling creatively stagnant (not for long!!!)
The Upside to Anger
There is a beauty to my rage-ness. Anger tells me that I’m feeling! As someone who typically struggles with identifying how I feel, this is a positive. I’m also able to identify whyI’m angry. Anger also confirms why I left Vegas in the first place and why I have to keep going, in spite of being uncomfortable with entering unchartered territory. Anyway, I’m less angry now. I’d say I’m more in the range of ambivalent/annoyed with a side of hopeful. Who knew that writing was more beneficial than alcohol?!
Well, hopefully, you enjoyed my little rant. I will be posting about my travels in the next few days. In the last 3 months, Abbey and I have been to 9 states! It’s been a blast, but I will be taking a quick break in Oregon for a few months. Traveling is a blast, but honestly, I need a quick chill pill to keep on keeping on with my journey. Until next time!
I’m not dead! Though two bouts of sinus infections would lead me to believe otherwise. So what have I been up to? Long story short, I’ve gotten sick, learned how to assert my boundaries– some relationships are better for it, others, well worse.
I’m going to be blunt. Life is awesome, yet tough, but in general, I’m in favor of it. I do my best to get along while being mindful of the needs of others. To date, I’ve spent a lot of time bending over backward to accommodate someone close to me and I am proud to say, I’m at wit’s end and I’ve decided to bow out and become a reduced character in that person’s life movie.
I don’t end/distance myself from loved ones easily. In fact, I typically go the long-suffering route, enduring infractions just to keep the peace. Quite frankly, I’m tired. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make a relationship work on my own.
So toxic relationships are lame, especially when you care about the person. My love for them doesn’t change. My willingness to accept their poor treatment/character does.
“The best–laid plans of mice and men often go awry definition. No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still go wrong with it.” – Robert Burns
Lame! Seriously, my emotions are all over the spectrum this week.
I’ve been in Vegas for about 3-ish weeks, and while I’m happy to be back, it’s not been without its challenges.
I’m experiencing a few major life changes all at once. And while there’s more good than bad, my hormones are all over the place this week, which doesn’t help one iota. Fortunately, I’m aware that I’m chemically imbalanced this week, so I’m not taking myself and my feelings too seriously (hence this rant). I will admit that my dad leaving for Germany to join my mom for the next few years was more difficult than I anticipated.
My parents are cooler than me
So last year, my mom decided to take a job that would place her in Germany for at least 3 years. My dad stayed back to take care of their stateside affairs. That in of itself was tough, as I’m close to my mom, but I had my dad. But today as was I driving him to the airport, I felt like I was 5 again trying to cling to my mother’s dress instead of running to join the other kids to play.
I know I’m being dramatic, but my parents are really two of my favorite people on this planet, so to have them both in Europe (though I’m extremely happy/proud) it’s going to take some adjusting on my part. It doesn’t help that I’m 27 going on 60, which often places me out of my peer group.
It’s not all bad
Even though my bio parents are enjoying their European lives, I do in fact have a Vegas mom. Long story short, I met my buddy Mandy at a MeetUp a few years ago, and we’ve been friends ever since. She’s so kindly allowed me to steal her mom, Pam, who I admittedly hangout with more than Mandy (she moved to Utah last year). Pam is this is quirky, blunt Chicagoan who is a total riot. We share similar humor, so we get along famously. Every time I stop by, I’m spoiled– as is Abbey. Funnily enough, she’s been trying to get me back here since last year.
In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t move to Chicago (another story for another day) as I think being in a new city by myself wouldn’t have been that great. I’m sure I would’ve adapted, but being near family and friends is proving to be comforting.
Ok, feelings don’t suck that much
I’ll admit, I feel better after writing this. I still think that feelings are obstructions in the sense of accomplishing things, but whatevs, such is life. Anywho, I’ll try to blog more frequently, now that things seem to be settling down. I hope everyone is having a great Wednesday!
It’s a term we swing around so loosely, but, does one actually live their lives without any regrets?
This morning I was finally unpacking (I moved, more on that later), and I had Pandora blaring my “A Tribe Called Quest” station (90s Hip Hop or bust!). Bobbing my head while organizing my life, things were going swell. That is, until 93 til’ infinity started playing, and all hell broke loose. On a side note, if you don’t know who Souls of Mischief are, you must go to youtube and search the above mentioned song, it’s legit.
Anywho, the first time I had ever heard that song was about 3-4 years ago when I was attending university in Flagstaff, AZ. I worked at the Student Tech Center on campus and had bosses who had great tastes in music. One day, Trey, my supervisor and I were going on and on about 90s hip hop and he happened to play 93 til’ infinity and I absolutely fell in love with the song. In fact, those years I really developed a stronger love for the genre which I still have to this day.
So where does the regret come to play? Well, when I first started going to NAU, I HATED it. It was a massive culture shock. Trapped in the mountains with a bunch of hippy dippy nature people, I was so out of my element. You see, I am somewhat of an escape artist. One of the perks of living in Southern California is that if you get bored of your scenery, you can escape to somewhere new within a 2 hour radius. In Flagstaff, that was not the case. Tack on a passive aggressive roommate who only communicated by post it notes, my “home life” resembled the Cold War/ Cuban Missile Crisis.
Being the persnickety person that I am, within the first few months, I already started planning my escape. I knew that I only had to be there for 2 years, I decided to keep myself at an emotional distance from others. You can’t miss anything/anyone you don’t know, right? Well after the first 6 months, things did get better. I started making friends, going out, and creating a pseudo-life, with everything still, at an arm’s length away. Hell, even my graduation was a “wham bam thank you ma’am” spectacle. I literally walked, bought chipotle, then dusted out of town with my family. My parents were pretty incredulous at my indifference and lack of emotion at this point. Seriously, I left Flagstaff a half hour after my graduation with the intention of never going back again (sidenote: I’ve been back a handful of times now).
So, what am I getting at here? Well, you know those pseudo-friends/life I was telling you about? It turns out they may have meant more to me than I initially realized. When 93 til’ infinity started playing through my speakers, I’ll be honest, I didn’t remember the title of the song or the artist. I just remembered how it made me feel. 3 years of buried feelings just started pouring out. I felt of blend of nostalgia, pain, regret, sadness, and a tinge of happiness shoot through me all at once, and rather intensely I might add. How could a song, that I vaguely remember bring back so much unresolved feelings? Music is strange in that way I suppose.
In spite of my first crappy few months away at school, I really did enjoy my time there. The people at the STC were my friends, dare I say my family. Spending my weekends at school trading music jams with my colleagues are some of my best memories ever. I fooled myself into thinking that I could just cut out that part of my life and soldier on, but that’s not the way life works. In short, I regret how I handled things. I regret that I didn’t invest more emotionally. I regret that I didn’t really say goodbye or feel the loss of leaving Flagstaff. I feel regret.
Obviously I can’t turn back the hands of time, however, I can learn from my mistakes. I struggle at letting people into my little bubble, but I have made strides of improvement. There is a bigger feeling fulfillment when I legitimately connect with others. It’s scary with the vulnerability that I am allowing, but it’s a better feeling than listening to a song that rips you to a time of unresolved feelings.
I can’t change the past, but I can change how I react in my future. My goal is to really connect and enjoy moments when they happen as they are. When you spend your time looking for the next adventure, you could be downplaying something beautiful that is happening right in front of you.
This is not an inspirational post. In fact it’s an anti-inspirational post. Sometimes life sucks. There’s no rhyme or reason, shit happens and you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes the best cure is to accept that you’re mad, comes to terms with your feelings and them let them go in the direction of the necessary target.
I have a hard time letting people know that I’m upset and am very good at hiding it. I’m so good, that I didn’t realize that I am an “in the closet passive aggressive”. The irony is not lost on me seeing as I can’t stand passive aggressive people. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings or make them feel bad, so I just sit on everything that bothers me. So I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that my simmering pot of emotions has come to a full boil and has manifested in the form of an angry email.
Interestingly enough, once I pressed “send”, I immediately felt better; almost like I released my inner anguish in 300 words or less. I’m still irritated by the world at this moment, but at least I’ve said my peace and now I can move on. Who knew that all you need to do to feel better is to get mad and let people have it? Very cathartic, I must add.
Why is it, that whenever you make great strides in the right direction, there is almost always someone there trying to drag you down? It is so frustrating! These past 3 months, I’ve changed so much and for the better. I’ve eliminated so much unnecessary stress it’s crazy and yet, here I am pissed about things I cannot control. I should add that usually when I get my feathers ruffled it swings me into an emotional whirlwind. Externally, you can’t see it, but internally I’m at odds and I hate it. I loathe conflict to the nth degree and will typically bend until harmony is restored. I will fall on the sword even when it’s not my fault just to end the conflict. Well, I’ve changed. I should probably explain how I came to be this way.
When you go through events that make you understand how previous behaviors don’t work, they change you. Like you’ve stretched your brain and have grown to the point where you can’t turn back and become who you once were.Yes, I have changed. Gone are the days where I play martyr because I don’t want people to be mad at me. If they’re mad, so be it. No longer will I get so bent out of shape that I disrupt my balance because of someone else. I feel like I’ve lived my life for others for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to just be content with myself.
Being the middle child, I’ve always felt the need to go my own way and was fiercely independent. It’s funny how death changes you. I lost my grandma suddenly when I was 18 and became painfully aware of mortality and that we are all on this earth for a limited amount of time. So much so that I changed from being that independent kid to being a pillar for my family because I thought they needed it. I made more sacrifices than most kids that age and matured a lot more than necessary. I didn’t make the typical teenage mistakes and I’ve always been careful. Well, being careful is lame and I don’t want to act like I’m 45 anymore.
One of the many reasons why I decided to become a bum was the fact that I started identifying with 40+ years old rather than people in their early 20s. It was then, I realized that something was very wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being mature, but I certainly don’t want to be 55 regretting that I was so in my head that I didn’t allow myself to be young. Nobody likes a 55 year old in a tube top ;-). I’ve started putting me first and it’s been a great experience. I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. in 4 weeks, I’m not nearly as anxious, and I’m doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time. So there’s no way that I’m going to let external factors ruin my newfound autonomy.
So to recap my little rant, I’m working to let go of things that are out of my control. No point in stressing if you can’t change the outcome. Screw being a doormat, it’s no fun and nobody deserves to be one. So don’t push me because I’m pushing back. Be happy with yourself for yourself. I’ve learned that happiness comes from within and if you’re trying to get it from someone else, chances are they will disappoint you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just we aren’t perfect so to keep that expectation on someone is not fair by any means. Now with that all said and done, I plan on conquering this life while I still can. Cheers to the weekend! Oh and I also saw Divergent this morning, they did a great job, I highly recommend it. 🙂
People seldom enjoy being embroiled in conflict. In fact, conflict hinders productivity in the workplace. The reality is you will come across all types of people and working styles through the duration of your working career. The trick is to know how to successfully work through issues to maintain harmony in the workplace. Below are 5 steps that are integral in making you a conflict resolution champion.
Conflict occurs due to lack of communication or misinterpretation. At times one party may think the other said or did something they were not in agreement with. By asking questions, you can potentially prevent a bigger problem from occurring.
Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes
By trying to see the situation from the alternative perspective, you can gauge a better understanding of where the other party is coming from. At times we only see how a situation affects us without even realizing that the other person may have a valid reason for feeling the way they do. By recognizing the reality of different viewpoints you can begin to come to a mutual agreement that is in the best interest of both parties involved.
Keep a Level Head By Not Involving Emotion
At times it’s difficult not to be offended or defensive during conflict. I strongly recommend that you be highly vigilant in guarding your emotions and checking the ego at the door. When emotion comes into play, you can lose sight of the real issue at hand and it can escalate into a situation that may need to be mediated; thus potentially tainting your reputation at work. Be sure to stick to the issue at hand and keep it as professional as you can.
Make a Mutual Pack to Find Resolution
The easiest and most effective way to put the other party at ease is to make an agreement to find a resolution to the situation. If a person knows your intention is to make sure all is well, they will be more agreeable in getting the problem solved.
Keep Calm and Carry On
When you approach conflict in a relaxed and calm manner, you’ll find a solution faster than you would if you were angry and upset. Keeping a cool head will give you a chance to brainstorm and figure out a solution that works for everyone. In addition, your peers will respect you a great deal seeing how well you are at conflict resolution.
Conflict is inconvenient, uncomfortable, and for the most part unwanted. The reality is that everyone is different and has diverse ways on how we approach things, which is how conflict comes about. If you can utilize these steps when dealing with conflict, they will surely guide you to controllable resolution. Dealing with conflict will never be fun, but at the very least, you can become ready when it occurs.
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