Taryn makes a habit

I’ll be honest, I used to hate the dreaded ‘S’ word. And by ‘S’ word, I mean schedule. Reflecting on this, I suppose it’s because of my control issues, but I’m working on those. I think. On my birthday — about 3 weeks ago– I decided that I would make a new habit

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Tale of the two journals

I keep two journals. One is my journal that hashes out my personal thoughts, day-to-day musings, etc. The other, is a prayer journal of sorts. It’s one where I chat with God, ask questions, ask for forgiveness, ask for help, and pray — so to speak. Both are incredibly personal and brutally honest. But, I suspect, God appreciates it when we come to Him honestly and openly.

Journaling regulalry does a mind good

I’ve journaled or have written things ever since I could read. Consistency has never really been my strong suit. This blog is a testament to that. I mean I have around 250 posts and we’re coming up on 7.5 years; yikes! Anyway, I’ve committed to writing every day for the last 3 weeks and boy, what a difference it makes! My headspace is a lot nicer. Who knew decluttering your mind would be so helpful?!

Habits aren’t so bad

I’ll admit, the first few days, it was a will-power of sorts that forced me to put pen to paper every day. Now, I can’t wait to spill my guts, happily sharing what’s in my brain with God and myself. There is so much peace when I rely on Him instead of my harebrained schemes. I’ve also found, that in the stillness of reflection, that He does answer my questions and prayers. I’m grateful for that relationship as it governs my relationship with those I regularly do life with. So now, I begrudgingly yet happily admit that I plan to continue my journals as the benefits far outweigh the discipline I need to maintain consistency.

On the road again

Speaking in the name of consistency, I’m happy to report that the third installment of the Taryn was here series will come out again on Monday on schedule. This coming week, I get to share with you my time in Missoula, MT. I do have more pictures that aren’t just of espresso cups, I promise! I didn’t stay long– about 3-ish days, but I did manage to pack some fun sightseeing while there. So stay tuned as we travel to Montana. Cheers!

Taryn does the work

It’s amazing what you can do when you commit to doing it. That pertains to life, work, relationship, and everything in between. As I continue to work on myself, how I understand the world and people around me, I am pleased to find that progress is possible!

The illusion of control

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that control is a futile pursuit. It’s just not possible, and that’s ok. Looking back, I can see how I’ve tried to control my environment, the people around me, my work, etc., etc., etc. In fact, I banked my well-being on my ability to control the external things around me. Guess what? That makes for a miserable and erratic life. Now, rather than trying to control the things that I cannot, I focus on managing my resources more effectively.

Being responsible for me

These days, I’m focused on taking care of myself, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and so on. This also means being kinder to myself. If you’ve spent time with God, you know that He loves you no matter what state you’re in. I’ve worked on (and am continuing to work on) loving myself in that same regard. Conversely, I find that the more grace that I extend myself, I’m able to extend it to others as well.

Enjoying the process

In life, there is no destination, just continued progress. So instead of obsessing over getting to the ‘finish line’, I’m learning to enjoy the process. As I continue my progression, staying present in each moment, I see the beauty that life has to offer. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get frustrated or see the errors and flaws of the world. No, it just means that I appreciate the positive aspects more than I disdain the negative ones.

Reflection in a photograph

A fun aside, I printed and framed my travels all over the walls of my apartment in Las Vegas. In the mornings, I’d sit on my couch with my coffee, and Abbey laying at my feet looking at all of the places we had gone. Like a time machine, each photograph brought me back to the very moment. Remembering those moments and the colorful array of emotional experiences intertwined within them taught me that there is hope even in the darkest times and that God was with me (and still is) especially in the confusing moments that I could not yet process.

The next destination

If you tuned in last week, I finally started sharing my travels that first began in late 2018. Last week was Eugene, OR. This week is Seattle, WA. So be on the lookout tomorrow, as I share my experience in the land of the coffee bean. I spent a month there, soaking up various experiences and people. As I relive these experiences by sharing them with you all, I am filled with gratitude that I was able to embark on these adventures. With that said, I hope you have a wonderful week!

Taryn was here: Eugene, OR

*Note from the writer:

Toward the end of 2018, after a much-needed nervous breakdown, I decided to embark on a nationwide trek across the country. This series will serve as a recollection of the shenanigans I experienced throughout my travels. These are my stories (dun dun *Law & Order chime)

By Chance

After the world’s worst wedding duties (I was a slave of honor and bridesmaid within a month of each other), I was ripe for change. Spending two months in Big Bear– where I met a literal bear and enjoyed the mind-scarring visuals of an old lady pooping on a trail— I knew adventure was right around the corner. Doubling-down on my cliched writer’s journey, I set my sights on Seattle, WA. But, in order to get there, I had to make a few stops along the way and Eugene, OR was one of them.

A Brief Encounter

Originally, I had only planned to spend 2-ish days in Eugene back in early November of 2018. But upon arriving, I knew I would have to come back (There will be a part 2 to this story.). At the time, I felt a kindred spirit in the weird town of Eugene, and my Airbnb was a few steps from the Willamette River.

Traipsing around town

Maybe it was because I was so desperately looking for belonging and nursing a massively bruised ego, or maybe it was the quirkiness of the city that I related to, the 2 days I spent in Eugene were fun and restorative in nature. Abbey and I walked about town, enjoying the gorgeous and moody scenery. I even ventured into the local bar in Whitaker to what the Portland/Lakers game.

The Airbnb that I stayed at was this really cool tiny house behind this neat property in the Whiteaker neighborhood. I would eventually come to be friends with the owner and spend an extra 4 months in Eugene in early 2019, but more on that later.

Fun in the impromptu

I was really grateful for my knee-jerk decision to go to Seattle. By proxy I found Eugene, which later plays a major part in my travels. If you’re wondering why there wasn’t a profound aha or learning moment in this story, it was because there was none. In hindsight, I was very wounded (and reopening the wound) at the time looking for solid ground. Now, I’ve come to appreciate those moments of healing. They taught me the importance of slowing down and taking care of yourself. In order to conquer new territory, rest is needed, and I was able to start that process in Eugene. There is more to the Eugene saga, but for the sake of continuity, I will share my travel stories in the order that they incurred. Up next is Seattle. I’ll see you there!

Taryn gains perspective

It’s amazing what time and reflection can do to the senses. As I continue to remove the cobwebs of this blog (there are a ton, ha!), it serves as a time machine of sorts, jettisoning me back to 2018, when I first began my travels. Boy, was that girl in a state! I can say that now, with a high degree of empathy and understanding. It was a hard year, which incurred a ton of loss. However, now that I have the gift of time and perspective, I completely understand why I needed that growing phase and how it’s changed me for the better.

Life requires growth

Being the incredibly sensitive person that I am, change of any kind is particularly jarring. When things got hard, I was hard-pressed to combat the enemy (change) with a huge dose of comfort. This usually came in the form of my surroundings (people, places, and things). But, what happens when the change you so desperately need is counterintuitive to your comfort zones? It blows up. And blow up it did. Ironically of the things I lost, the growth it inspired within me gave me so much more.

Growth is in the eye of the beholder

Granted, when I was going through it, I thought I was being punished or penalized in some sort of way. But now, I realize that God was shaking me loose of the things that were stagnating me. I couldn’t rely on my patterns of thinking or behavior to get me out of the situation. I had to develop new tools and systems to pass my tests. These days, when I’m working through discomfort, I try and find the lesson to be learned instead of reacting like my world is ending. Shaking the victim mentality was tough but incredibly necessary and oh so worth it.

Perspective is everything

With this new perspective, I’ve gained a lot more empathy for my fellow man. Everyone is going through something, and life is incredibly messy. I am grateful to be tethered to the One who created me as that relationship gives me perspective in ways I could never have understood. There is a lot of brokenness in this messy world, and people are going through varying means to find comfort. I say all of this to say, that it gives me the grace and space to give to give others as they work it out. If I could offer advice to anyone, it would be that reflection is so necessary for growth. Take stock of who you’ve been, who you are, and who you’re trying to be. Be kind to yourself in that journey and give people the space to reflect for themselves.

On a lighter note

This was a lot more introspective than I had intended, but hey, I’m going where my hands on this keyboard are taking me. I’m currently digging up the photos and stories of my traveling days (I got to every state except 7, and I made it to Canada!) to share with you. I plan on sharing one each week, sharing the fun and sometimes absurd shenanigans I found myself in. On that note, happy Sunday!

Taryn resurrects the blog

I cannot believe it’s been over 2 years since I’ve written on this thing. Excuse me while I blow the dust and cobwebs off of this blog. So much life has been lived within those 2 years. Some really great stuff, some not so great stuff, but ultimately, I thank God for the growth, the lessons, and the simple fact that I’m alive to tell the tale!

Age is fun!

I just celebrated my 32nd birthday last Sunday and I have to admit, I love getting older! I find that as each day passes, my comfort level in my own skin increases. Honestly, my 20s can suck it!

I moved to Texas!

It’s a long story, but the short version is that I moved to Texas after spending the last 2 years in Las Vegas. It’s certainly a culture shock, but one that I welcome with open arms. A major plus is that my parents and I finally live in the same town. This is something I’m incredibly grateful for.

I’m writing my novels and stories!

I finally unclogged my emotional bowels to write. One of the things I’m trying to do is create short stories to help keep the creative juices flowing. Now that sitting in coffee shops has become possible (something I did not realize I took for granted pre-pandemic), I’m constantly inspired by the folks living life around me.

Jesus is awesome!

Not to get all preachy, I am so grateful for God and how He’s kept me sane. It’s been an intensely personal and daily relationship, and it sustains me in so many ways. As I continue to learn and grow in Him, He’s given me peace, healing, and restoration in ways that I never knew that I needed.

An outsider’s life for me!

In the last 18 months, I’ve work more closely with companies as a contractor. While the money was great, it did solidify that I am indeed an oddball not meant for the traditional, team work environment. I used to think of that as a bad thing, but truthfully, it just is. I love who I am, quirks and all. I suppose it’s the age (and the gray hair that comes along with it) that brings self-acceptance.

Tune in for what’s next!

I will be writing more frequently, telling the stories that I had promised about my travels almost 3 years ago! I’ll also update on the current happenings of my adventures, so buckle up, grab some coffee, there will be laughs. Cheers!

Taryn got her groove back

Hello!

 

It’s been over 4 weeks since my last entry. A lot has happened… like me witnessing an old lady taking a sh*t in the forest.

 

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I’m not kidding!! I saw EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!! I am now in desperate need of therapy or that Men in Black tool that makes you forget, lol.

 

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I fulfilled my final bridesmaid obligation at my friend’s wedding! AND, it didn’t end up with me blackout drunk accosting a groomsman… (one day I will find the words to tell that story… one day)

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I finished up my time in Big Bear. Made my way to Glen Ellen (near Napa), and now am chilling in a hipster coffee shop in Eugene.

 

Sunset in Big Bear

Glen Ellen A.K.A wine country

The Wandering Goat in Eugene Oregon

 

 

Ready to set the world on fire

 

Somewhere in between watching an old lady poop in public and when a police officer illegally towed my car and stole my legally purchased car tags (more on that later…), a lot of my old characteristics began to resurface, with memories and ideas I had long ago.

 

Long story short, it’s been nice to resurrect parts of me. I suppose I spent so much time in survival mode, I shut down to just get through it. Now that I’m out of crisis mode, I’m back in full effect! That and I realized that my vacation from my appearance needs to DIE. I’ve been putting the HOME in homely for some time now. I’m 29, not 92, though you wouldn’t know it based on my oversized knit sweaters and old lady garb.

I’ll be perusing Eugene today and a little bit tomorrow, then it’s on to Seattle for a month! I’ll be updating photos and all that jazz regularly, promise! Anywho, here are some farewell photos of Big Bear Lake. On to the next adventure!

 

Eat, Pray, WTF…

Hi there!

I’m going, to be frank, this past year has been a total shitshow; for better (totally!), and for worse.

I’ve experienced a ton of growth, but not without having to go through some very extreme losses. I suppose this is what the good Lord meant by pruning. Without getting into the specifics, this year has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve learned about my good habits, my bad habits, and the habits that well, we’re gladly abandoning.

The really cool thing about going through messed up situations is that it teaches you about perspective. Funnily enough, even though I’ve learned some painful lessons, lost some relationships that I thought were on solid ground, etc. I can’t help but thank God for the experience.

Ok, I swear I’m not crazy or a masochist, but this year has taught me sooooo much, I would be a fool to consider it anything else but a blessing. Which leads me to explain why I’m finally back on my little blog.

Same weirdo, new direction

In light of my new outlook, I’ve decided to abandon my sense of normalcy and hit the road. I’ve gone AWOL. I figure since my parents are out of the country, there’s no one to protest my departure from the norm. That said, Abbey and I are going to take some time to travel around the US. Currently, we are in Big Bear Lake recovering from matrimonial hell (more on that later). My goal for my travels is to learn new things, try stuff that normally makes me uncomfortable, and finish these dang novels that have been percolating in my brains for SO LONG!!! This isn’t one of those I’m going to “find” myself trips. I know who I am, I just really want to explore before I get too old and hate myself for not doing anything scary. Also, hence the name change of this blog. 😉

 

Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. Stay tuned for more shenanigans. In the meantime, here are some photos of my trip so far. Cheers!

 

 

 

Waves of Change

I hate change– in all forms. Think about it, pennies and nickels are a nuisance. If I counted all of the change that is hiding around my room, I’d probably make a dent in my student loans. On that note, I must sign off to scour my apartment for loose change. Just kidding… 😉 Continue reading “Waves of Change”

I’ve Changed

Why is it, that whenever you make great strides in the right direction, there is almost always someone there trying to drag you down? It is so frustrating! These past 3 months, I’ve changed so much and for the better. I’ve eliminated so much unnecessary stress it’s crazy and yet, here I am pissed about things I cannot control. I should add that usually when I get my feathers ruffled it swings me into an emotional whirlwind. Externally, you can’t see it, but internally I’m at odds and I hate it. I loathe conflict to the nth degree and will typically bend until harmony is restored. I will fall on the sword even when it’s not my fault just to end the conflict. Well, I’ve changed. I should probably explain how I came to be this way.

When you go through events that make you understand how previous behaviors don’t work, they change you. Like you’ve stretched your brain and have grown to the point where you can’t turn back and become who you once were.Yes, I have changed. Gone are the days where I play martyr because I don’t want people to be mad at me. If they’re mad, so be it. No longer will I get so bent out of shape that I disrupt my balance because of someone else. I feel like I’ve lived my life for others for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to just be content with myself.

Being the middle child, I’ve always felt the need to go my own way and was fiercely independent. It’s funny how death changes you. I lost my grandma suddenly when I was 18 and became painfully aware of mortality and that we are all on this earth for a limited amount of time. So much so that I changed from being that independent kid to being a pillar for my family because I thought they needed it. I made more sacrifices than most kids that age and matured a lot more than necessary. I didn’t make the typical teenage mistakes and I’ve always been careful. Well, being careful is lame and I don’t want to act like I’m 45 anymore.

One of the many reasons why I decided to become a bum was the fact that I started identifying with 40+ years old rather than people in their early 20s. It was then, I realized that something was very wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being mature, but I certainly don’t want to be 55 regretting that I was so in my head that I didn’t allow myself to be young. Nobody likes a 55 year old in a tube top ;-). I’ve started putting me first and it’s been a great experience. I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. in 4 weeks, I’m not nearly as anxious, and I’m doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time. So there’s no way that I’m going to let external factors ruin my newfound autonomy.

So to recap my little rant, I’m working to let go of things that are out of my control. No point in stressing if you can’t change the outcome. Screw being a doormat, it’s no fun and nobody deserves to be one. So don’t push me because I’m pushing back. Be happy with yourself for yourself. I’ve learned that happiness comes from within and if you’re trying to get it from someone else, chances are they will disappoint you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just we aren’t perfect so to keep that expectation on someone is not fair by any means. Now with that all said and done, I plan on conquering this life while I still can. Cheers to the weekend! Oh and I also saw Divergent this morning, they did a great job, I highly recommend it. 🙂

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People Can Change; Just Not When You Want Them To

Looking back on the changes I’ve made in the last 9 weeks, I’m nearly a completely different person, both mentally and physically. Since my descent into bumhood, I am the most physically and socially active that I have been in about 2 years. My clothes fit a lot better and I even got the seal of approval from the rents when they came into town this weekend. I think I have dissuaded any doubt of mental illness from their minds ;-). Not only that, but I haven’t been stressed and hiding in my room for so long that I cannot recall the last time I did. The one thing I am a little bummed about is that my morning routine has cut my “no pants” time down significantly (I can’t be outside without pants unfortunately). Bottom line is, that I’ve changed. I’ve also come to the conclusion that everyone is capable of change, but on their own timeline.

I’ll admit that I was the type to try and change people, for the better of course. You meet someone and you think, “I’ll make them my project”, or “if only I can get them to see the light”. Well, the real deal is that it’s not up to you to change others. In order for a person to change or grow, they have to want it. It’s like the saying, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”; the same goes for people. Good intentions aren’t good enough, it’s up to them. As for me, it was up to me to decide to make myself happy and motivate myself to make the changes to make that happen. So far, so good! I’m very excited to see what this change has in store for me next!

 

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