I hate change– in all forms. Think about it, pennies and nickels are a nuisance. If I counted all of the change that is hiding around my room, I’d probably make a dent in my student loans. On that note, I must sign off to scour my apartment for loose change. Just kidding… 😉 Continue reading “Waves of Change”
It’s a term we swing around so loosely, but, does one actually live their lives without any regrets?
This morning I was finally unpacking (I moved, more on that later), and I had Pandora blaring my “A Tribe Called Quest” station (90s Hip Hop or bust!). Bobbing my head while organizing my life, things were going swell. That is, until 93 til’ infinity started playing, and all hell broke loose. On a side note, if you don’t know who Souls of Mischief are, you must go to youtube and search the above mentioned song, it’s legit.
Anywho, the first time I had ever heard that song was about 3-4 years ago when I was attending university in Flagstaff, AZ. I worked at the Student Tech Center on campus and had bosses who had great tastes in music. One day, Trey, my supervisor and I were going on and on about 90s hip hop and he happened to play 93 til’ infinity and I absolutely fell in love with the song. In fact, those years I really developed a stronger love for the genre which I still have to this day.
So where does the regret come to play? Well, when I first started going to NAU, I HATED it. It was a massive culture shock. Trapped in the mountains with a bunch of hippy dippy nature people, I was so out of my element. You see, I am somewhat of an escape artist. One of the perks of living in Southern California is that if you get bored of your scenery, you can escape to somewhere new within a 2 hour radius. In Flagstaff, that was not the case. Tack on a passive aggressive roommate who only communicated by post it notes, my “home life” resembled the Cold War/ Cuban Missile Crisis.
Being the persnickety person that I am, within the first few months, I already started planning my escape. I knew that I only had to be there for 2 years, I decided to keep myself at an emotional distance from others. You can’t miss anything/anyone you don’t know, right? Well after the first 6 months, things did get better. I started making friends, going out, and creating a pseudo-life, with everything still, at an arm’s length away. Hell, even my graduation was a “wham bam thank you ma’am” spectacle. I literally walked, bought chipotle, then dusted out of town with my family. My parents were pretty incredulous at my indifference and lack of emotion at this point. Seriously, I left Flagstaff a half hour after my graduation with the intention of never going back again (sidenote: I’ve been back a handful of times now).
So, what am I getting at here? Well, you know those pseudo-friends/life I was telling you about? It turns out they may have meant more to me than I initially realized. When 93 til’ infinity started playing through my speakers, I’ll be honest, I didn’t remember the title of the song or the artist. I just remembered how it made me feel. 3 years of buried feelings just started pouring out. I felt of blend of nostalgia, pain, regret, sadness, and a tinge of happiness shoot through me all at once, and rather intensely I might add. How could a song, that I vaguely remember bring back so much unresolved feelings? Music is strange in that way I suppose.
In spite of my first crappy few months away at school, I really did enjoy my time there. The people at the STC were my friends, dare I say my family. Spending my weekends at school trading music jams with my colleagues are some of my best memories ever. I fooled myself into thinking that I could just cut out that part of my life and soldier on, but that’s not the way life works. In short, I regret how I handled things. I regret that I didn’t invest more emotionally. I regret that I didn’t really say goodbye or feel the loss of leaving Flagstaff. I feel regret.
Obviously I can’t turn back the hands of time, however, I can learn from my mistakes. I struggle at letting people into my little bubble, but I have made strides of improvement. There is a bigger feeling fulfillment when I legitimately connect with others. It’s scary with the vulnerability that I am allowing, but it’s a better feeling than listening to a song that rips you to a time of unresolved feelings.
I can’t change the past, but I can change how I react in my future. My goal is to really connect and enjoy moments when they happen as they are. When you spend your time looking for the next adventure, you could be downplaying something beautiful that is happening right in front of you.
Who do you confide in? No, seriously. Do you share your hopes, dreams, fears and aspirations with just anyone? Or do you keep the deepest, darkest and most personal part to yourself? If you’re the latter, well welcome to the club of pretty much everyone. I find it odd that in such a technologically progressive world, I’ve heard “I feel so alone in a crowd of people” from more people than I care to admit.
We all seem to think that we’re weird individual creatures from Mars whom others couldn’t dream of comprehending, but honestly that’s just not the case. Sharing is caring. What I mean by that, is the more you share with others, you’ll be surprised and elated to find out that you’re really not that different from those you know. I mean really, it’s a mind blowing process.
Once upon a time, I used to think I was this strange person who had all of these weird ideas and concepts that were just completely against the typical norm. Then I shared parts of myself with others and came to realize I’m not as “weird” or “special” as I thought. Sure, my genotypes are pretty unique, but there are a bunch of 20 Somethings out there running around trying to figure out where and how they fit into this world.
The more I shared with others, the more connected I began to feel and it’s quite awesome! I will admit though, that once I found out that I was vanilla boring, my ego deflated a bit. Drat, I thought I was unique and special. In all honesty, it is nice to know that I’m not the only one on Mars. Turns out we’re all on it. 😉
So in an effort to share more, I’m going to toss out into the blogosphere my hopes and aspirations that I usually keep close to the vest. I either felt that people would think they were stupid or lofty so I kept them to myself. I like to think of myself as “practical” (scared) and I try to do the conventional thing. But convention is boring and lame; and the wild child in me is dying to come out. Here are a few things that I want to achieve sooner than later. Don’t judge me too hard, haha!
Things I’d Like to Accomplish
1. Be a features writer for several magazine publications, writing on culture, music, etc. etc. etc. I love people, especially my generation. We’re idealistic, scared, fun, interesting people in which I love to observe. So if I had my way, I’d be doing more of that and less of dreaming about it (Hm, I smell a call to action soon).
2. Get to Sweden. I’d love to go visit the country. When I was in college, I had studied a lot of their public policies and they have some cool things going on over there (Paternity leave, how cool is that?!).
3. Get a loft in downtown LA. It’s funny when I was in school in LA, I hated it (Granted it was a difficult time in my life). But now after being away for a few years, I am dying to go back. I’ll make it happen one day!
In short, let’s keep it real and talk to people. It’s incredibly fun and very eye opening on how we all want the same thing; which is to be happy and enjoy life as it comes our way. What are some things you keep to yourself? I’d love to hear about it!
I often find myself struggling with the fear of “Am I crazy for leaving my job to go into the unknown land of freelancing” all the time. From a rational standpoint, I have abandoned all the security a 9-5 brings with no immediate backup in sight. On the other hand, the world is my oyster and I’m free to do with it as I please. Getting trapped in a finite way of thinking is something we’re all taught. You go to school, graduate, find a steady job, have a family, grow old and die. We tend to look at life in a “step by step” manner, a blueprint if you will. I threw out my “blueprint” a few months ago and I haven’t been the same ever since.
After going rogue, I’ve failed, faced rejection, and even questioned my path from time to time. Yes, I’ve fallen flat on my face, but as it turns out, I’m still here. I didn’t crumble and die from these experiences. I used to be so afraid to do something wrong or to be shot down that I would not attempt the unthinkable. For some reason, I treated life as a Mario game where you only have 1 life left and if you messed up, game over, you have to start all over again, so you play extra cautiously so that you won’t die. Well, I’m throwing that out the window too.My goal is to turn my dreams into a reality. Pursue the things I want most out of life. I’m just choosing the road less traveled to get there.