I’m not a teenager anymore

Earlier today, I stumbled across an album that meant a great deal to me circa 2005. Upon playing it, I transcended time and was shot back to the days where I was around 15/16. Continue reading “I’m not a teenager anymore”

The Relapse

It’s no secret that I love Starbucks (particularly their caramel macchiatos), just take a look at my blog name, ha! I get a lot of work done there as well, so if you want to rationalize my addiction, it technically pays for itself. Starbucks– however– is not the reason for this post. I have darker, more predatory addiction that I’ve relapsed from. Continue reading “The Relapse”

When is Regret OK?

“No Regrets”

It’s a term we swing around so loosely, but, does one actually live their lives without any regrets?

This morning I was finally unpacking (I moved, more on that later), and I had Pandora blaring my “A Tribe Called Quest” station (90s Hip Hop or bust!). Bobbing my head while organizing my life, things were going swell. That is, until 93 til’ infinity started playing, and all hell broke loose. On a side note, if you don’t know who Souls of Mischief are, you must go to youtube and search the above mentioned song, it’s legit.

Anywho, the first time I had ever heard that song was about 3-4 years ago when I was attending university in Flagstaff, AZ. I worked at the Student Tech Center on campus and had bosses who had great tastes in music. One day, Trey, my supervisor and I were going on and on about 90s hip hop and he happened to play 93 til’ infinity and I absolutely fell in love with the song. In fact, those years I really developed a stronger love for the genre which I still have to this day.

So where does the regret come to play? Well, when I first started going to NAU, I HATED it. It was a massive culture shock. Trapped in the mountains with a bunch of hippy dippy nature people, I was so out of my element. You see, I am somewhat of an escape artist. One of the perks of living in Southern California is that if you get bored of your scenery, you can escape to somewhere new within a 2 hour radius. In Flagstaff, that was not the case. Tack on a passive aggressive roommate who only communicated by post it notes, my “home life” resembled the Cold War/ Cuban Missile Crisis.

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Being the persnickety person that I am, within the first few months, I already started planning my escape. I knew that I only had to be there for 2 years, I decided to keep myself at an emotional distance from others. You can’t miss anything/anyone you don’t know, right? Well after the first 6 months, things did get better. I started making friends, going out, and creating a pseudo-life, with everything still, at an arm’s length away. Hell, even my graduation was a “wham bam thank you ma’am” spectacle. I literally walked, bought chipotle, then dusted out of town with my family. My parents were pretty incredulous at my indifference and lack of emotion at this point. Seriously, I left Flagstaff a half hour after my graduation with the intention of never going back again (sidenote: I’ve been back a handful of times now).

So, what am I getting at here? Well, you know those pseudo-friends/life I was telling you about? It turns out they may have meant more to me than I initially realized. When 93 til’ infinity started playing through my speakers, I’ll be honest, I didn’t remember the title of the song or the artist. I just remembered how it made me feel. 3 years of buried feelings just started pouring out. I felt of blend of nostalgia, pain, regret, sadness, and a tinge of happiness shoot through me all at once, and rather intensely I might add. How could a song, that I vaguely remember bring back so much unresolved feelings? Music is strange in that way I suppose.

In spite of my first crappy few months away at school, I really did enjoy my time there. The people at the STC were my friends, dare I say my family. Spending my weekends at school trading music jams with my colleagues are some of my best memories ever. I fooled myself into thinking that I could just cut out that part of my life and soldier on, but that’s not the way life works. In short, I regret how I handled things. I regret that I didn’t invest more emotionally. I regret that I didn’t really say goodbye or feel the loss of leaving Flagstaff. I feel regret.

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Obviously I can’t turn back the hands of time, however, I can learn from my mistakes. I struggle at letting people into my little bubble, but I have made strides of improvement. There is a bigger feeling fulfillment when I legitimately connect with others. It’s scary with the vulnerability that I am allowing, but it’s a better feeling than listening to a song that rips you to a time of unresolved feelings.

I can’t change the past, but I can change how I react in my future. My goal is to really connect and enjoy moments when they happen as they are. When you spend your time looking for the next adventure, you could be downplaying something beautiful that is happening right in front of you.

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Fear and self-loathing in Las Vegas

Why hello there,

Long time no see!

First and foremost, I hope everyone had a splendid holiday! Mine was swell, except I spent most of it abandoning my family due to work obligations (yup, I am owned by the “man” once again, but more on that later).

Now that I’m finally starting to understand the work/life balance game, I’m back in the blogging world!!

I have some awesome news to share with you all, including being published in a prestigious magazine, but that is a different story for a different day. So on with the show!

I’m having the case of nostalgias lately. A.K.A., I’ve been sulking in a corner licking my wounds and moping like a whiny baby because life is unfair.This has been brought on due to the fact that I haven’t had very much downtime and I’m growing increasingly unhappy doing what I’m doing. Fortunately for me, my mom came into town for a couple days to visit and it was definitely much needed.

I’ve always appreciated my parents and have known how lucky I am that they are really awesome. Quite honestly, I prefer spending time with them than most people because they’re fun to be around. While my mom was in town, I got the pampered kid treatment; the dinners, hugs, and words of encouragement, which was exactly what I needed after the on the job drama I’ve had (I swear I’ll talk about it later).

On top of having my mommy in town. My best friend’s little brother, Micah, who’s like my own little bro happened to stop in Vegas and needed a place to crash, so he came to my house. I haven’t seen him since my trip to SD last year, so it was nice to catch up and see how he doing. Even though I only got to see him for an hour, it was really nice just to chat with someone from back home.

This weekend was fun with my mom, but I was super bummed to take her back to the airport. While driving, I felt like a little kid being taken to daycare for the first time. I did not want my mommy to GOI even accidentally went to the wrong part of the airport. Alas, she is back in Monterey and I’m moping a bit.

I suppose being back with old familiar faces reawakened parts of me that have lain dormant for some time. There was a point in time in the world where I was fearless and took life by the balls! Where that girl is, I’m not entirely sure, but something tells me, she’s going to be resurfacing soon. 😉

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Oh Social Media; How You’ve Ruined Me

Social Media is the beer goggles of people’s lives. A person’s life is a 3 in reality; add a filter, it becomes a 10.

Social Media is like the porn of real life. It’s doesn’t show all the gross stuff, just the “finished product” which in itself is nowhere near the real thing.

Don’t believe me? Look at your friends’ pins on Pinterest, their statuses on Facebook, their photos on Instagram, or their posts on Tumblr.

To be fair, these apps allow us to capture great moments of our lives and to hold on to them. They also create this sickening nostalgia that makes people believe that everyone else is better off than they are. We’ve created a vortex “anywhere but here” or “why not me?”. We are constantly in comparison with each other whether it’s intentional or not. I for one am definitely guilty. Let’s be honest, how much time do you spend trying to get the perfect shot to put on some social media site instead of actually enjoying the experience itself? If I had a $1 for every nostalgic quote or super snazzy photo that I’ve come across (or have done myself) on a daily basis, I could prolong being a bum for an eternity.

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– Here’s a photo that I took in San Diego. Worry free TJ living it up. What you don’t know is that I was stuck on conference calls and dealing with my maniac boss on the majority of my stay and that I was miserable. Such a perfect life, go on, envy me.

I always hear that “millennials are self indulgent and are never happy with what they have. Well, if older generations had the same technology to connect and interact with people all over the world when they were younger, do you really think they’d be any different? I think not.

I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, I’ve noticed that I have been caught up in this cycle. Being 20 something and still figuring it out with every step that I take, it’s easy to look at a bunch of filtered photos and super positive status updates and feel like the world is in on something that I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly fortunate to have been able to take that picture in San Diego and to have even gone. I’m just merely pointing out that not everything is as it seems.

My new goal for myself is to take a chill pill on being caught up with social media and actually give this “real life” bit a shot. Of course I’ll still blog and use these apps, but in moderation. I don’t hate social media, in fact I think it’s a great tool. I mean for me to be able to talk to someone across the country let alone the world in real time, it’s incredible! However with great technology comes great responsibility (You can thank Uncle Ben for that one… hehe). Bottom line is no one person’s life is perfect, no matter how many filters or philosophical quotes they put on it. Especially me, I don’t have all the answers (Kanye’s rant at Sway came to mind as I wrote that, lol), and I certainly don’t pretend to. Everybody poops; and chances are it is smelly 😉

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The Origin of My Reading Addiction

I LOVE LOVE LOVE to read. Seriously, getting lost in a book has been a past time of mine ever since I can remember. Being able to get lost in the imagination of literature is very enjoyable for me. The more vivid the imagery of the book, the more enthralled I become. When I was young I was very fortunate to have parents who not only supported my reading addiction but funded it enthusiastically as well. Every year in elementary school, there was a book fair. They would hand out these little pamphlets which had an assortment of books you could purchase. I would diligently circle every single book that I had to have (usually about a dozen books). 100% of the time my parents purchased every book on my list. (thanks mom and dad!) And every year I’d burn through the books as if I was fire and they were wood.

My childhood bedroom was actually a library which my parents converted into a bedroom. I insisted that it had to be my room because of the floor to ceiling, wall to wall book case that was in it. During that time it was my mission to possess every Nancy Drew book ever made. I owned all 56 of the Nancy Drew Mystery Series (Not every one ever made, but close enough). My formative years were spent filling up my bedroom with all the books I could get my little fingers on. 

Presently, my passion for reading is still very strong. I don’t do it as much as I would like (I currently have 15 books that need to be read) but I’m working on it. What got you into reading? What was your favorite childhood book?

 

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