I’m having a case of the Terrible Tuesdays. Continue reading “Someday this pain will be useful to you”
I often find myself struggling with the fear of “Am I crazy for leaving my job to go into the unknown land of freelancing” all the time. From a rational standpoint, I have abandoned all the security a 9-5 brings with no immediate backup in sight. On the other hand, the world is my oyster and I’m free to do with it as I please. Getting trapped in a finite way of thinking is something we’re all taught. You go to school, graduate, find a steady job, have a family, grow old and die. We tend to look at life in a “step by step” manner, a blueprint if you will. I threw out my “blueprint” a few months ago and I haven’t been the same ever since.
After going rogue, I’ve failed, faced rejection, and even questioned my path from time to time. Yes, I’ve fallen flat on my face, but as it turns out, I’m still here. I didn’t crumble and die from these experiences. I used to be so afraid to do something wrong or to be shot down that I would not attempt the unthinkable. For some reason, I treated life as a Mario game where you only have 1 life left and if you messed up, game over, you have to start all over again, so you play extra cautiously so that you won’t die. Well, I’m throwing that out the window too.My goal is to turn my dreams into a reality. Pursue the things I want most out of life. I’m just choosing the road less traveled to get there.
Despite my constant whining about life, I am thankful for many things in my life. Sometimes I can forget to appreciate all that I’ve been blessed with. So here’s a list of things I’m thankful for and could not live without.
I’m pretty sure I have the coolest parents around. Whenever I need some advice, words of encouragement, or I just need a hug, they’re always supportive with arms wide open. I’m even thankful for my siblings. We may not always see eye to eye, but as we get older they aren’t so bad ;-). My niece and nephews each stole a part of my heart when they were born. I don’t think they’ll be returning anytime soon either. If I had to choose my favorite occupation to date, it would be aunt. Also my furchild is seriously the best dog in the universe who loves me even when I’m not giving her treats. She helps me relax and enjoy the simple things and has taught me patience more ways than one.
Seeing as I’ve spent some time in several states, I have the privilege of having friends in different places. I’ve even managed to make a group of friends here in Vegas, which almost felt like a never-ending task in itself. Those girls provide me with awesome activities and shenanigans that I’m sure we’ll be talking about for years to come. I’ve managed to make some lifelong friends in this young life of mine and they are some of the best around. I am very thankful for everyone of them.
3. My Health
Obviously this makes the list as I would not be alive without it ;-). This is something I take for granted all the time. In reality my immune system kicks butt. I’ve rarely been sick, ever. In spite of my frustrations with trying to navigate this world, my body has never failed me. So thank you, self for keeping me healthy!
I know I know, spoken like a true junkie, but this place provides me with more than just coffee. There’s always a plethora of hot dudes, the baristas are super chill, and I get 90% of my writing done here (yes I’m at Starbucks at this very moment). I’ve actually gotten jobs out of Starbucks, I’ll do a post on that later. It is indeed my home away from home.
5. My Brain
I love my crazy little brain. If only you knew half of the craziness that goes on in my head. From time to time I’ll share my little blurbs with others, which usually incites a ton of laughter. I tend to look at things in the most random way and I would not change that for all the money in the world. Even with all of life’s insecurities, I can honestly I like the person staring back at me in the mirror. She’s pretty rad.
So to wrap this all up, I know I haven’t been the most positive as of late. Sometimes one can get wrapped up in this thing called life and that’s when you need to take a step back and appreciate what you have the most. Even just writing this, I have a smile on my face and am more so appreciative of my life and loved ones who fill it. Life isn’t always going to be sunshine and daisies, but looking back at all the awesomeness that is around me, I’ll deal. 🙂 So, what are you thankful for?
So I recently talked about meeting my neighbor who’s encouraged me to put things out into the universe. Since then, I’ve managed to get picked up writing for a really cool site, more on that later. I’ve also gotten better at writing my work in a more timely and fluid manner. I’m still working on getting out of my head. It’s a killer; who would’ve thought my own worst enemy is the very thing that makes me, me? Anywho, it’s a constant struggle for me to get out of my thoughts and stay the course. I may lose a few battles from time to time, but dammit, I’m going to win this war.
On another note, I’ve decided to really give photography a go. I love observing people/things and I’ve found that I have an eye for it. My biggest reason for not ever talking about it, is fear of seeming pretentious. Then, when I really think about it, why is it pretentious to start a hobby? Again, my super positive thoughts are at work. Right now, my “homework” is to think less and do more. I’m learning that clearing hurdles is pretty much the easy part, being consistent, now that’s the kicker. So as I journey to finding my niche in this world, I hope you all are breaking out of your comfort zone and doing the things you love most. Happy Monday!
Why is it, that whenever you make great strides in the right direction, there is almost always someone there trying to drag you down? It is so frustrating! These past 3 months, I’ve changed so much and for the better. I’ve eliminated so much unnecessary stress it’s crazy and yet, here I am pissed about things I cannot control. I should add that usually when I get my feathers ruffled it swings me into an emotional whirlwind. Externally, you can’t see it, but internally I’m at odds and I hate it. I loathe conflict to the nth degree and will typically bend until harmony is restored. I will fall on the sword even when it’s not my fault just to end the conflict. Well, I’ve changed. I should probably explain how I came to be this way.
When you go through events that make you understand how previous behaviors don’t work, they change you. Like you’ve stretched your brain and have grown to the point where you can’t turn back and become who you once were.Yes, I have changed. Gone are the days where I play martyr because I don’t want people to be mad at me. If they’re mad, so be it. No longer will I get so bent out of shape that I disrupt my balance because of someone else. I feel like I’ve lived my life for others for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to just be content with myself.
Being the middle child, I’ve always felt the need to go my own way and was fiercely independent. It’s funny how death changes you. I lost my grandma suddenly when I was 18 and became painfully aware of mortality and that we are all on this earth for a limited amount of time. So much so that I changed from being that independent kid to being a pillar for my family because I thought they needed it. I made more sacrifices than most kids that age and matured a lot more than necessary. I didn’t make the typical teenage mistakes and I’ve always been careful. Well, being careful is lame and I don’t want to act like I’m 45 anymore.
One of the many reasons why I decided to become a bum was the fact that I started identifying with 40+ years old rather than people in their early 20s. It was then, I realized that something was very wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being mature, but I certainly don’t want to be 55 regretting that I was so in my head that I didn’t allow myself to be young. Nobody likes a 55 year old in a tube top ;-). I’ve started putting me first and it’s been a great experience. I’ve lost almost 20 lbs. in 4 weeks, I’m not nearly as anxious, and I’m doing what I want to do for the first time in a long time. So there’s no way that I’m going to let external factors ruin my newfound autonomy.
So to recap my little rant, I’m working to let go of things that are out of my control. No point in stressing if you can’t change the outcome. Screw being a doormat, it’s no fun and nobody deserves to be one. So don’t push me because I’m pushing back. Be happy with yourself for yourself. I’ve learned that happiness comes from within and if you’re trying to get it from someone else, chances are they will disappoint you. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just we aren’t perfect so to keep that expectation on someone is not fair by any means. Now with that all said and done, I plan on conquering this life while I still can. Cheers to the weekend! Oh and I also saw Divergent this morning, they did a great job, I highly recommend it. 🙂
Ok so here’s the news I’ve been wanting to share with you all!!!
I decided to quit my corporate big kid job!!
And you know what… it feels AMAZING!!!!!!!
Now granted, I’m super fortunate for the experience and the opportunities it afforded me. Not a whole lot of 22 year old kidults graduate college and land a full time gig let alone one that pays very well with a lot of perks.You’re probably wondering why the hell I would quit a job that gave me financial security/stability for the unknown
It’s quite simple… I was MISERABLE
One thing I’ve learned is that for some companies salary= slavery, I’m not kidding
When I tried having a day off I was still beholden to emails, conference calls, texts, etc. I never really had a day to myself to just unwind and be a human being. Instead, the expectation was that I was to be available all the time, anytime. And trust me when I say, it made functioning not easy You see, because I never felt like I was able to wind down, I was just frazzled, absentminded and flustered. Remembering things from 5 minutes ago let alone 5 days ago became a chore. On top of that I got lost in translation. My personality went from bubbly optimistic dreamer to boring negative hermit.
I noticed I began withdrawing from society. Instead of going out with friends I just literally bundle up in my blankets in my apartment and watch Duck Dynasty with my dog. Now I’m not the only who felt this way about my job. My peers in my same position shared the same sentiments. I should also mention being with the company for over a year, I was considered a veteran if that helps give you an idea about how out of sync things were.
The average “life” of a person in my position is about 3-6 months. Due to the huge time commitment (time suck) and unrealistic expectations, most people in their right minds run for the hills. I think one of the major reasons why I stuck it out for so long was pride. I didn’t want people to think I was “running away” or I couldn’t hack the pressures of the job. Honestly, I really didn’t want to be thought of as the “kid” who couldn’t handle the adult world. In retrospect, I now know that it’s not because I’m scared, but it’s not what I want to do with my life. I mean granted if I was passionate about the career I had been in, maybe the long hours and no life would be ok, but having the world’s worst boss (I’m dead serious) on top of it made it too much.
It honestly felt like a bad relationship. Too tired and frustrated to stay, but too insecure/unsure to leave. At first thinking about leaving was scary, but now as I finished my final day, I am more than ever 100% ok with my decision. It’s like I can breathe again. The world was taken off of my shoulders and I can dare to dream again. The moment I realized I needed to make a change was when I was on vacation last week. I’d noticed that I’d missed a lot of life events of my friends and loved ones because of work. I’d also realized I’m further away from what I want to do than I was when I had first started. The whole reason why I took the position was that they offer tuition assistance. What they failed to tell me was that I sold my soul when I began my employment and I wouldn’t have time to sleep let alone get a master’s degree.
So now, after all is said and done. I really want to get back into the things that give me joy. Somewhere along the lines of corporate aspirations and world domination, I lost sight of the quirky, witty, free spirit girl I used to be. I want to find that girl again. I miss her terribly.
Being that today was my last day, it was bittersweet with a cup of good ol’ sweet validation. I was given a lot of kudos today from people that I least expected. The early on doubters of my capabilities ended wishing me well! I have to tell you it was one of the most humbling experiences.
The biggest take away for me is that money isn’t everything. Money is useful and nice to have; but money doesn’t make you laugh. You cannot recall past events or reminisce with money. Money will never ask how your day was or listen when you’re having a crappy one.
Now that I am a bum, there will be more blogging on my part. I refuse to give an estimate because we all know I lie. Also I’ll get back to discovering what makes me tick. For the better part of almost 2 years I’ve put “me” to the wayside. In the words of Mick Jagger, “I’m free to do what I want, any ol’ time”!
I am not a morning person, but I am trying to change my ways. So recently I’ve started getting up very early to walk my dog because I live in a place that’s temperature is comparable to Satan’s butt crack. Even at 4:30am it’s already 80 degrees. Being the caffeinated junkie that I am, brewing coffee in the morning has lessened my Starbucks dependence. Well, only slightly because it’s treat receipt time and I’m a sucker for a deal. Anyway, I take that time to reflect; to get away from all electronic distractions and focus on my deeds for the day. Aside from getting my work duties done, I am really excited to start on my “25 things list”. I’ll admit I haven’t been the most social on my personal time because I’m always around people work-wise. A lot of the time I like to hole up in my apartment with my pup and catch up on IQ-dropping television. But not today! I shall conquer the world and take no prisoners! I’m aiming to have a funny story to share by the end of the day. On that note, I hope everyone has a beautiful Monday and that your day is full of laughter and joy!